Night Swimming (the screenplay)

The to-do list for the next draft: places where the book contradicts itself, where it drifted from the plan, and real-history slips. They get checked off here as they're fixed.

1. structureThe draft stops mid-scene in Miami

   The posted text ends in the middle of the dock shootout, on an unfinished sentence ("the cop fires two more shots at Jordan"). The last roughly 3,100 words of the source draft were held back as machine-written, so everything after this point needs writing: Jordan's escape, the rest of Act Two and all of Act Three. The bible's plan for that stretch is Jordan's birthday, a collapse and near-death sequence, the sheriff forcing him out of town, and Josh's murder at the stoplight, which would pay off the cold open.

   Scene 11

2. structureThe cold open isn't paid off yet

   Nothing in the posted draft identifies the gunman, the Oldsmobile, the Daytona or the man who spills out of it. Scene 2 deliberately echoes the gunman's walk when Jordan leaves Qball's, so the ending has to close the loop.

   Scene 1Scene 2

3. continuityEliza is also called Aimee

   The sheriff's daughter is Eliza when Dom asks about her and when she wakes up, then Aimee in Jordan's house rules, the trip scene and the Year One voiceover. Pick one name.

   Scene 3

4. continuityKate arrives as Dom's girlfriend and becomes Josh's

   At Qball's Kate is Dom's girl ("She's my girl; she's cool") and kisses him on the way out. Back at the studio the same night she's intertwined with Josh on the love seat, and from then on she's Josh's girlfriend with no explanation.

   Scene 2Scene 3

5. continuityJosh appears at the studio without arriving

   The group that follows Jordan into the studio is Dom, Kate, Craig and his two friends. Twenty minutes later Josh is on the love seat tearing tabs off the sheet.

   Scene 3

6. continuityDom drops out after the first night

   Dom is Jordan's partner in scenes 2 and 3 and is never mentioned again. Josh is the one who ends "the Biz" in scene 8, and the Year Two voiceover doesn't say what happened to Dom.

   Scene 3Scene 8

7. continuityJordan's home in Year One doesn't match the voiceover

   Year One takes place at "The Studio" / Jordan's studio apartment (also called Jordan's house), with a bedroom, a dining room, an overhang and a park across the street. The Year Two voiceover says he "moved out of the motel" into a studio downtown, but no motel appears in Year One.

   Scene 3Scene 8

8. historyAn elected city sheriff isn't how Ocala works

   Dom calls Eliza's father the head sheriff and the voiceover says he was "re-elected city sheriff." Ocala has a police department run by an appointed chief; the elected sheriff is Marion County's. Making him the county sheriff keeps the election-year logic. (The bible calls him Chief of Police, which would lose the election angle.)

   Scene 3

9. historyMarvel vs. Capcom comes out a year after the Star Wars re-release

   The arcade deal on Marvel vs. Capcom happens the night before Josh and Jordan plan to see the Star Wars remakes. The Special Edition hit theaters on January 31, 1997, but Marvel vs. Capcom didn't reach North American arcades until March 1998. Either swap the arcade game for one from 1996 or early 1997, or move the movie.

   Scene 4Scene 5Scene 7

10. continuityThe Dallas thread goes nowhere

    Jordan tells Josh he has a first-timer lined up, "some jock named Dallas," and that deal never appears. In Miami Jordan pays with a Visa card that reads "Dallas Cruz." If the card came from that jock, the draft never shows it; if not, the shared name will read as a link anyway.

    Scene 5Scene 11

11. continuityThe Fourth of July scene jumps from evening to afternoon

    The scene opens as EVENING while everyone drops, then the next slug after they've taken the tabs is AFTERNOON, before the fireworks start.

    Scene 9