Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

For a long time I believed in a deal I never said out loud. You give the people you love everything they've ever dreamed of, and when you get old and start to fall apart, they'll be there. I always figured I'd be the one to go first, so it seemed like simple math.

Hurrying

Then, somewhere past 40, it sank in that later isn't guaranteed. It could all end at any moment. I didn't take that as a reason to slow down. I took it as a reason to hurry.

So I hurried. We had a big goal, and I put everything into making the money to get there. I got there faster than anybody had planned, and that's when I learned that getting somewhere fast isn't the same as getting there together.

When things didn't play out the way I'd pictured, I didn't say much. I took it to work. All my focus went there, and in all honesty, it cost me a few years of family time. That one's on me.

Where I misplayed it

There was a win statewin stateA game-design term for the condition that counts as winning. Reach it and the game's over, in the good way. in there. I had the cards and I didn't play them right. Had I seen the signs, I'd have known the right responses. Looking back, I can see three places I'd play it differently.

The first was the moment it hit me that time isn't guaranteed. Right lesson, wrong conclusion. If time is short, the answer isn't more of it at work. It's more of it with the people you're doing all this for.

The second was when I got there early. I was so locked on the finish line that I stopped paying attention to who was running with me. I should have slowed down and looked around.

The third was the first time things didn't go the way I'd planned. That was the day to say out loud what I was feeling and talk it through. Instead I went quiet and went back to work, and I kept doing that for a few years.

Note

None of this is a knock on anybody I love. The misplays were mine, and so is the fixing.

Winding back down

What I didn't expect is how hard it is to wind back down. After a few years all-in on work, you can't flip a switch and walk back into family life. Part of me still feels like I owe more than I'm giving, even when I'm told it's not like that. And we're not debt-free yet, so "comfortable" still feels like somebody else's word. I wrote about where that feeling of not-quite-enough started in the G.I. Joe post. It sticks around long after the gap is closed.

I've spent a lot of nights trying to figure out when my ship comes inship comes inAn old saying for the day a fortune finally shows up. It goes back to merchants who had money riding on a cargo ship and couldn't do much but wait for it to reach port.. Waiting for my real life to begin.

I think that's the trap. The waiting.

What I'm doing about it

So I'm trying something different. It's not a big plan, just two things.

The first is my body. I'm focusing on my physical health, because if the whole point was being around for the long haul, I should probably act like it.

The second is being more true to my own thoughts. Saying what I actually think, early, instead of letting it pile up until it comes out sideways. Writing this is part of that. It's the same kind of small, plain decision I made in a parked car a few years back: no big plan, just a start date.

It's slow, and getting back is taking time. I just wish it hadn't taken so long to see.

If any of this sounds familiar, if you've been grinding toward a finish line or waiting on a ship that hasn't come in, I don't have a fix for you. I'm not that far ahead of you.

Try this

Start where I'm starting. Take care of the body you've got, and start telling yourself the truth. You can figure out the rest on the way back.